Parenting a teen who is struggling can be devastating. Watching them suffer, hurt themselves, sabotage, withdrawal… It’s heartbreaking and something that brings out anxiety in parents in ways that nothing else can. It also brings up the scary idea that maybe it’s your fault.
In some ways, it might be. Parents are the emotional leaders of the family. If your teen is struggling, it might be because you are struggling, or have struggled, to manage your own emotions. Parents, sadly, are the most powerful people in a family system when it comes to how emotions are managed (or not), and how safe it feels to have emotions (or not). So, here we go.
Is it your fault? No. Is it your responsibility to fix? Absolutely not. Do you have the power to influence your teen towards a different path? Hell yes!
I am here to tell you how. Please read my posts on Parts Work and Emotional Regulation when you can, and then come back. If you don’t have time, then let’s do a long story short as best we can.
Your teen is a mirror of the places inside of you where you are also stuck, or got stuck, on your own emotional developmental journey. If you have a hard time sitting with big emotions, they will, too. If you have a hard time staying calm, they will also. OR, they will show you the consequences of those stuck places. They will either suppress their big emotions or have HUGE emotions. They will get really good in a crisis or they will shut down at hint of stress. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. This means you are human. I swear.
The hardest mirror to see in your teen is the ways in which they internalize your own insecurities or rebel against them. They also internalize the ways you prioritize your needs or desires for them as a condemnation of their worth. It sucks because you don’t mean it, but it’s true. If you need them to succeed at school or sports at the cost of other ways to connect with you so you feel good about your job as a parent, then they will make that the source of their worthiness. It also means they will internalize their unworthiness if they fail. As long as they get the message that all you care about are those markers, the more they will push you away when they struggle.
This is great news. Because it means that you have the power to change how your teens feels and how they relate to their feelings by doing your own inner work, and by showing them that their feelings and their whole selves are loved.
How do you lead a teen who is struggling? Stop trying to fix them. Stop trying to help them. Stop DOING things to try to get them to change or feel better. Sit with them instead. Sit with their pain, their sorrows, their hopelessness, and their anger. This will feel like bad parenting. It will feel like you’re letting them down. It will feel like you’re not DOING the right thing.
Agreed. It takes trust. The hardest part of parenting a teen who is struggling is to trust that they will figure it out as long as you stay by their side, support them, and stay calm and regulated in the face of their pain. In the Parts Work videos, we go through how to find a solid space inside of you that has the confidence to parent your teen to the other side.
If you need some guidance or a one-on-one consult. Reach out… I’m here to help, not blame.
