Parenting a teen is not for the faint of heart. It can be the hardest thing you will ever do! Why? What is it about teens that make it so hard to stay connected, be on the same page, and get them to LISTEN??
Teens are in a unique phase of life. Biologically, their bodies are growing faster than their ability to make good decisions, their nervous systems run on vibes, and they can smell BS a mile away. They also don’t have words to describe their inner worlds, they desperately need validation and acceptance from their peers, and they do everything in their power to seek out what ISN’T the plan you have for them.
Teens are novelty-seeking, risk-taking, change-making beings, all with lots of hormones, intense insecurities, and emotions that are more confusing than helpful. They need to figure it all out on their own, and watching them struggle can be really hard.
It is telling that, although as parents, we have been teens, we forget how powerful that time was. We look back and sigh. We made crazy choices. We lied and broke rules, and as parents, we forget that no one could have stopped us. Maybe our parents did a good job with us, maybe not. We want to pass on what WE learned about surviving teen troubles, but ours don’t seem interested.
But right now, your teen isn’t listening, just as most teens don’t, and the anxiety and frustration that causes you and your spouse or partner, or just you, is intense. Your teen just doesn’t seem to get the stakes, what’s at risk, or the long term consequences. Of course they don’t! Their frontal lobe is swimming around in a bath of chemicals on its own with no connection to the emotional centers. Thoughts are not connected to feelings, and so logic, cause and effect, or solid reasoning… Useless.
Because teens run on vibes. What does that mean? They want to know you are a trustworthy adult, and they want to know that you trust them. This means that before you can tell your teen anything, you have to listen. This means something really hard: putting aside what is logical or makes sense, and being willing to wade into the intense world of being a teenager again with the intention of seeing how it makes sense. BUT the hardest part about being trustworthy to a teen, is to BE TRUSTWORTHY. Are you asking them to do something that you don’t do yourself? Do you hold yourself to a different standard (yes, you are an adult and have earned the privileges, but…)? If so, know that they will hold that up as a reason to not listen to what you have to say. So name it and realize that it makes sense for them to resist a double standard.
And… the idea isn’t to tell teens what to do anymore. You create your “corral” of non-negotiables, ideally mutually agreed upon, and then you let them choose (badly, at first maybe) and fail and learn, and you’re there to troubleshoot, coach, consult, and cheer them on. They do what they think they should do. This is how you trust them.
Yes, I know. You have to be trustworthy in ways that seem unfair, and they have to be trusted when they are not (yet) trustworthy. I know. But your way is likely not working, and growing into something new is tough.
Listen. Say “help me understand” and really want to understand. Say “that makes sense” when it makes sense to you. Say “that sounds really tough” when you can tell it was tough. Because vibes. They can tell when you’re reciting therapyspeak, they can tell when you have an agenda or are waiting to say your thing.They can tell when your heart isn’t in it.
Give it a try. Don’t ask the hard questions first. But start with questions. Don’t follow up, check up on them, see if they’re doing their work, or did the chores. Ask them about them. And listen. And then when something harder comes up, you’re already in the habit.
If this makes sense but you just don’t know how to get there from the place you’re struggling with, take a look at the Parts Work for Parents video series, and then reach out for a consult.
